Grillz are the Shiz

Well….it’s been a long half-week, folks, and quite frankly I’m still recovering from the poo-phone fiasco. I’m off to Salt Lake City tomorrow so you won’t be hearing from me for awhile.  I’ll just be too busy enjoying the Hazelnut!

She's a stinker!

She’s a stinker!

Anyway – I’ve been working long hours at work and I’m pretty sick of it.  It’s pitch black when I get out of work, so I just want to fall asleep as soon as I walk out the doors of my building.  I can hardly make it to the car without dropping over into a deep snooze.  Not to mention the fact that I’ve been awake since the butt crack of dawn which totally conflicts with my inner body clock . It gets light at, like, 6:30 AM.  Even the dogs don’t need to pee that early, but the light streaming in my bedroom window announces to my sensitive eyelids that it is time to get the hell up.  So – being awake early (for me, anyhow), working long hours, feeling like it’s bedtime before I even leave the office, PLUS being uncomfortable with my newly tightened invisalign trays just makes me feel like crap.

The other day I got what is called “attachments” or “buttons” on my teeth.  These are protrusions that are supposed to guide (through pressure) my plastic invisalign trays which will, in essence,  move my teeth to ensure a Carrie Underwood-like smile.

attachments that really irritate the inside of my lips

attachments that really irritate the inside of my lips

The attachments make the trays fit super snug and I have a near-meltdown every time I have to remove the trays because I can hardly get them off.  Getting the trays down over those protrusions is really tough and nerve wracking!  I feel like I am literally ripping my teeth out.  I’ve come to the conclusion that Invisalign is actually a weight loss program disguised as an orthodontic plan.  I am so worried about maneuvering the trays and pulling my teeth out in the process that I just go all day without breakfast and lunch and keep my trays in.  But – let me be clear here…….. I am NOT going to miss dinner and my “wine time” after an elongated day at work.  These freakin’ trays are comin’ out even if I have to yank then out with a locking wrench.  

I have to admit , though…….I’ve become pretty astute as to what foods I can eat even with my trays in.  I recently finished off an entire can of Reddi Whip……no chewing required! Applesauce (loaded with cinnamon)……merely swallow and go!  Really soggy oatmeal……..just slurp it!  Not a balanced diet by any means, but that’s the least of my worries.

I'm not proud of this but I think this might be a family trait (right, Candy?)

I’m not proud of this but I think this might be a family trait (right, Candy?)

Anyway – I’m usually starving by the time I get home.  Plus,  I really need some wine to counteract the pressure on my teeth not to mention that nasty ulcer on my inner lip from the freakin’ attachments.  God!  I’m in teenage hell!!  As soon as I wrangle those trays off my teeth, my kitchen becomes the site of a feeding frenzy!  I chow down on whatever I can find before my time allotment is up, and I have to do battle with the trays to put them back in.

The other night, I furiously made myself some Spanakopita.  OK…..I cheated and used the frozen kind, but that’s as close to cooking as I get.

Delicious spanakopita with extra feta

Delicious spanakopita with extra feta

Yep……it was mighty tasty with some extra herbed feta cheese on top. Add a half bottle of wine and my dinner was nothing short of succulent! I actually got a double dinner by the time I flossed and picked the food out of  my teeth and attachments! I got the most out of my wine, too. The wine’s purpose was two-fold……..beverage  and mouthwash!  You see – with all of these attachments in my mouth, food gets caught everywhere.  So – I just swished wine around in my mouth after every bite in order to dislodge any stray strands of spinach, phyllo, and cheese from the attachments and gaps in my teeth.  It’s just a different take on using mouthwash only with wine…….works like a charm and the wine serves as a disinfectant as well, so I’m good with that (but my dentist isn’t).

For my after dinner activity , I decided to sip more wine (I had 15 “tray -less” minutes left).  I also fired up my computer and surfed the net.  I’ve come across this phenomenon before while net surfing, but I still cannot grasp the whole concept mentioned below…..especially given my torture with invisalign.

This is how it started…..I wanted to see the video of Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball (which as it turns out is pretty suggestive, but I like the song so I downloaded it).  One click led to another and before I knew it, I saw a pic of Miley decked out with grillz on her teeth.  Grillz appear to be the new fad and actually, I’m surprised that the word “grillz” wasn’t in the running for being added to the American Heritage Dictionary (the word “selfies” garnered the most votes)  But – really……..what is the attraction of putting grillz on your teeth?

Is this attractive?  And she has such beautiful white teeth

Is this look really attractive? And she has such beautiful white teeth!

I mean…..I’ve gone to great lengths to camoflauge the fact that I have stuff on my teeth.  Why in the world would celebrities want to flaunt metal contraptions on their choppers??  Would you?

Grillzed out Biebs

Grillzed out Biebs

I'm a Katy Perry fan…but, really??

I’m a Katy Perry fan…but, really??

I don’t get it.  But I’m old.  Wait……is that spanakopita in between Katy’s bicuspid and molar?? Does Katy also need a locking wrench to get those grillz off her teeth?   Does she drink a lot?  OMG……Katy Perry and I really ARE alike!  ROAR!!!!

I now have a new appreciation for my invisalign.  It appears that I am quite in style and celeb-like with my pretend grillz. Maybe I need to paint my trays a glitter gold, wear leopard print (or just prance around in my undies like Miley), and flaunt my grillz smile.  Yep……I’m down wit’ it.  Grillz are the shiz! The pain and pressure of the invisalign attachments and trays are so worth it. I am heading to bed with a new outlook on my situation!  Bring on the early sunrise…….I’m gonna get up tomorrow morning, wipe the slobber off my face, dress in a crazy outfit and face a new day with my subdued grillz!  I’m a star!

(hope I don’t scare Hazel….)


6 thoughts on “Grillz are the Shiz

  1. Oh, could that blog be anymore hilarious? You started slowly and I watched you pick up steam until you were a freakin locomotive by the end of that…or at least definately til you got to ROAR!! I loved this. I did learn a new word – spanakopita!! Oh and yes, Julie – I have come home from work after not eating all day altho I have no idea why and devoured every chip, cookie and twinkie that stood in my line of sight. I am the antithesis of how one should eat. Those invisalign buttons look like torture devices. I can guarantee you that Miley and Biebs and Katy have braces for show and if they hurt in the least, they would remove them. Its kind of like how people wear those stupid attitude glasses and think its cool, meanwhile I am stuck in coke bottles. May I just say – braces or whatever you want to call them and glasses are not and never will be beautiful and cool! Sorry.


    • Candy – Did you like the redid-whip picture? I learned that from you, ya know! Love the comparison of attitude glasses to coke bottle ones……so true! I will have to break out the spanakopita next time you are here!


  2. You always bring a smile to my face!!!! Please don’t stop blogging!!!!! My dr. asked to me to stop drinking wine for awhile…… do you know how hard that is? She said I could sip on tequila……hmmmmm…. probably won’t do that. I boht some amaretto yesterday but it’s just not the same!!! Happy Thanksgiving Julie!


  3. Thanks, Patti! You can always slap some grillz on that smile…..haha. I can’t believe your doc asked you to stop drinking wine! WTH?? Time to switch doctors, stat! Message me on Facebook and tell me what the scoop is with the alcohol switch…..I would think sipping wine would be much better than sipping tequila. Happy Thanksgiving!


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