A Turd Saved My iPhone

I’m not kidding……a turd saved my cell phone.  What you are about to read is graphic.  Quit reading now if you don’t posses potty humor.

This is what happened – my colon did it’s “doo-dee” last night.  I had just been to a meet and greet with Rainn Wilson (aka Dwight Schrute on The Office) at Penn State Harrisburg.  Before heading to the other venue for his speech, I relieved myself in the nearest bathroom……my iPhone 5 in my back pocket of my cool jeans.  I had just taken numerous pics of Rainn on my phone.

Me, Rainn, and Kevin…..pre-toilet plunge. Rainn is wearing a PSH Police hat Kevin gave him.

Me, Rainn, and Kevin…..pre-toilet plunge. Rainn is wearing a PSH Police hat Kevin gave him.

As I pulled up my pants after doing my business  (please try  NOT to visualize this), I heard an unmistakable “thunk.”  I knew immediately what had happened.  My cell phone had taken a disastrous dive.

Without hesitation, I stuck my newly manicured hand in that feculent waste water and pulled out my iPhone.

I don't really like this nail color, but it's OK for putting my hand in toilet water

I don’t really like this nail color, but it’s OK for putting my hand in toilet water

Seriously – my phone ended up face down (face-up would’ve been better) on toilet-papered excrement.  If I could’ve taken a picture, I would  have because it truly was a miracle!  But how does one take a picture of one’s cell phone floating protectedly on a turd?

After disgustingly retrieving my contaminated cell phone out of the commode, I quickly dried it off with a ton of paper towels and also stuck it in the hand air blow dryer numerous times.  Then I Purelled the hell out of it.  When I got home, I soaked my iPhone case in a bleach/soap combination for 2 hours. I’m still scrubbing my hands.  I cleaned the floors today and let my hands soak a couple extra minutes in Mr. Clean.  I know it’s gross, but……thank God my phone landed on that solid mass.  

Anyway – back to last night – I was really worried about my phone because the battery was almost dead when it took the dramatic plunge into the toilet.  So – I couldn’t tell if my battery was just dead or if the whole phone died a toxic fecal death.  As I listened to Rainn’s interesting speech, I lodged my befouled phone between my legs (again – please try not to visualize this) to warm up the phone and dry out whatever latrine water still remained in there.  It really put a damper on the whole Rainn Wilson experience.

As soon as I got home, I plugged in my heavily disinfected turd phone into an outlet and prayed that it would revive itself.  Lo and behold, it immediately showed signs of life!  My poo-phone had survived!

I am just so relieved that my expensive phone is OK.  I have used it numerous times today and it is functioning perfectly!  It’s a bit stinky, but that’s alright…………just kidding…..it’s not stinky but every time I dial a phone number, bubbles escape from the bottom…….haha.

So……I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving with my iPhone rescue topping the list.  Happy Turd-giving to all of you!


6 thoughts on “A Turd Saved My iPhone

  1. OMG, I can only imagine your phone floating on a turd. It must have been massive, but that doesnt surprise me. Did your cell, however, land in the water? If it did (as my cellphone expert told me), its just a matter of when it will die, but it will die. So, take two phones with you to SLC. Oh and that blog was only slightlly shitty and hugely hilarious!


    • Phone is still kicking so I guess it didn’t get too wet. Every chance I get, I wipe it down with alcohol and other disinfectants. It’s been almost 3 days now and I’m still traumatized by the whole thing!


  2. As always, you find humor in bad situations. My phone fell from my belt carrier few times while in the bathroom, but never in the toilet. With the automatic toilets these days, I am afraid my phone will be suck down the drain in no time.


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