This wasn’t purr-fect

OK…….I just can’t let this go.  Did anyone see the American Music Awards show last Sunday?   I still can’t get Miley Cyrus’s performance out of my head.  Who in the world ever thought of projecting a crying, fake-looking lip synching cat on a big screen behind MC while she performed?  And all in the midst of galactic-type astroids streaming by.

You have to watch this spectacle on Youtube to truly appreciate the feline lip synching.  It’s hilarious!  I’m an educator by profession, and I’m doing my best to keep you informed. Consider this my Thanksgiving gift to you.  Here is the link:

Cat from outer space giving Miley some emotional and vocal lip synching support

The whole production doesn’t make sense (but maybe that’s the point).  There’s an emotional Miley nearly crying her eyes out (and missing her cue) belting out her song and all you can focus on is this ridiculous cat hovering  and lip synching.  Leah and I watched this together and we were literally falling off the couch laughing in hysterics!  

Here’s a couple more pics that really don’t do the performance justice, but you get the gist of it

Cat-a-tonic spaced out cat lip synching

Cat-a-tonic spaced out cat lip synching

miley

Seriously……….who thinks to put together something so ridiculous?  I imagine the discussion about how this act was gonna go down sounding something like this:

Miley:  So, guys……..I’ve been asked to sing my awesome hit Wrecking Ball at the AMA’s so that is just so cool! (sticking her tongue out and showing the V sign)

Creative Team:  Oh wow…..yeah, man….cool.  So, like, let’s like make a statement and show the world how effed up you are.

Miley:  Yeah……  I’m gonna wear stupid little high cut underpants and a sports bra in hello kitty- like print……..(sticking her tongue out), but I’m just sad cuz my cat can’t come on stage with me.

CT:  Girl……..you ain’t got no cat

Miley:  Really?  WTH? Could you pass me that joint?  So…….let’s just computer generate a tabby and it would be really sick if it could just sing along with me and cry at all of the sad parts but make sure it sticks its tongue out at the end, K?  Could you pass me that doobie again?

CT:  (snort) The on -screen cat is super dope (speaking of that…..could you pass us that joint?).  Let’s put in some astroids  cuz cats like shit like that.

Miley:  (drag on the joint)…..(sticking tongue out) Yeaaaaahhhh, what?

Typical Miley pose

Typical Miley pose with her tongue out

I will say that, in the end, Miley accomplished exactly what she wanted……everyone is talking about her performance.  Who cares that Taylor Swift and JT walked off with 3 AMAs or that Rhianna got the first Icon Award ever bestowed?  That totally random pairing of a crying lip synching cat singing along with Miley during a major music awards show is just DUMBfounding (or brilliant..depending on your view).  

My own little tribute to the Miley/cat spectacle.

My own little tribute to the Miley/cat purr-formance

 

Grillz are the Shiz

Well….it’s been a long half-week, folks, and quite frankly I’m still recovering from the poo-phone fiasco. I’m off to Salt Lake City tomorrow so you won’t be hearing from me for awhile.  I’ll just be too busy enjoying the Hazelnut!

She's a stinker!

She’s a stinker!

Anyway – I’ve been working long hours at work and I’m pretty sick of it.  It’s pitch black when I get out of work, so I just want to fall asleep as soon as I walk out the doors of my building.  I can hardly make it to the car without dropping over into a deep snooze.  Not to mention the fact that I’ve been awake since the butt crack of dawn which totally conflicts with my inner body clock . It gets light at, like, 6:30 AM.  Even the dogs don’t need to pee that early, but the light streaming in my bedroom window announces to my sensitive eyelids that it is time to get the hell up.  So – being awake early (for me, anyhow), working long hours, feeling like it’s bedtime before I even leave the office, PLUS being uncomfortable with my newly tightened invisalign trays just makes me feel like crap.

The other day I got what is called “attachments” or “buttons” on my teeth.  These are protrusions that are supposed to guide (through pressure) my plastic invisalign trays which will, in essence,  move my teeth to ensure a Carrie Underwood-like smile.

attachments that really irritate the inside of my lips

attachments that really irritate the inside of my lips

The attachments make the trays fit super snug and I have a near-meltdown every time I have to remove the trays because I can hardly get them off.  Getting the trays down over those protrusions is really tough and nerve wracking!  I feel like I am literally ripping my teeth out.  I’ve come to the conclusion that Invisalign is actually a weight loss program disguised as an orthodontic plan.  I am so worried about maneuvering the trays and pulling my teeth out in the process that I just go all day without breakfast and lunch and keep my trays in.  But – let me be clear here…….. I am NOT going to miss dinner and my “wine time” after an elongated day at work.  These freakin’ trays are comin’ out even if I have to yank then out with a locking wrench.  

I have to admit , though…….I’ve become pretty astute as to what foods I can eat even with my trays in.  I recently finished off an entire can of Reddi Whip……no chewing required! Applesauce (loaded with cinnamon)……merely swallow and go!  Really soggy oatmeal……..just slurp it!  Not a balanced diet by any means, but that’s the least of my worries.

I'm not proud of this but I think this might be a family trait (right, Candy?)

I’m not proud of this but I think this might be a family trait (right, Candy?)

Anyway – I’m usually starving by the time I get home.  Plus,  I really need some wine to counteract the pressure on my teeth not to mention that nasty ulcer on my inner lip from the freakin’ attachments.  God!  I’m in teenage hell!!  As soon as I wrangle those trays off my teeth, my kitchen becomes the site of a feeding frenzy!  I chow down on whatever I can find before my time allotment is up, and I have to do battle with the trays to put them back in.

The other night, I furiously made myself some Spanakopita.  OK…..I cheated and used the frozen kind, but that’s as close to cooking as I get.

Delicious spanakopita with extra feta

Delicious spanakopita with extra feta

Yep……it was mighty tasty with some extra herbed feta cheese on top. Add a half bottle of wine and my dinner was nothing short of succulent! I actually got a double dinner by the time I flossed and picked the food out of  my teeth and attachments! I got the most out of my wine, too. The wine’s purpose was two-fold……..beverage  and mouthwash!  You see – with all of these attachments in my mouth, food gets caught everywhere.  So – I just swished wine around in my mouth after every bite in order to dislodge any stray strands of spinach, phyllo, and cheese from the attachments and gaps in my teeth.  It’s just a different take on using mouthwash only with wine…….works like a charm and the wine serves as a disinfectant as well, so I’m good with that (but my dentist isn’t).

For my after dinner activity , I decided to sip more wine (I had 15 “tray -less” minutes left).  I also fired up my computer and surfed the net.  I’ve come across this phenomenon before while net surfing, but I still cannot grasp the whole concept mentioned below…..especially given my torture with invisalign.

This is how it started…..I wanted to see the video of Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball (which as it turns out is pretty suggestive, but I like the song so I downloaded it).  One click led to another and before I knew it, I saw a pic of Miley decked out with grillz on her teeth.  Grillz appear to be the new fad and actually, I’m surprised that the word “grillz” wasn’t in the running for being added to the American Heritage Dictionary (the word “selfies” garnered the most votes)  But – really……..what is the attraction of putting grillz on your teeth?

Is this attractive?  And she has such beautiful white teeth

Is this look really attractive? And she has such beautiful white teeth!

I mean…..I’ve gone to great lengths to camoflauge the fact that I have stuff on my teeth.  Why in the world would celebrities want to flaunt metal contraptions on their choppers??  Would you?

Grillzed out Biebs

Grillzed out Biebs

I'm a Katy Perry fan…but, really??

I’m a Katy Perry fan…but, really??

I don’t get it.  But I’m old.  Wait……is that spanakopita in between Katy’s bicuspid and molar?? Does Katy also need a locking wrench to get those grillz off her teeth?   Does she drink a lot?  OMG……Katy Perry and I really ARE alike!  ROAR!!!!

I now have a new appreciation for my invisalign.  It appears that I am quite in style and celeb-like with my pretend grillz. Maybe I need to paint my trays a glitter gold, wear leopard print (or just prance around in my undies like Miley), and flaunt my grillz smile.  Yep……I’m down wit’ it.  Grillz are the shiz! The pain and pressure of the invisalign attachments and trays are so worth it. I am heading to bed with a new outlook on my situation!  Bring on the early sunrise…….I’m gonna get up tomorrow morning, wipe the slobber off my face, dress in a crazy outfit and face a new day with my subdued grillz!  I’m a star!

(hope I don’t scare Hazel….)

A Turd Saved My iPhone

I’m not kidding……a turd saved my cell phone.  What you are about to read is graphic.  Quit reading now if you don’t posses potty humor.

This is what happened – my colon did it’s “doo-dee” last night.  I had just been to a meet and greet with Rainn Wilson (aka Dwight Schrute on The Office) at Penn State Harrisburg.  Before heading to the other venue for his speech, I relieved myself in the nearest bathroom……my iPhone 5 in my back pocket of my cool jeans.  I had just taken numerous pics of Rainn on my phone.

Me, Rainn, and Kevin…..pre-toilet plunge. Rainn is wearing a PSH Police hat Kevin gave him.

Me, Rainn, and Kevin…..pre-toilet plunge. Rainn is wearing a PSH Police hat Kevin gave him.

As I pulled up my pants after doing my business  (please try  NOT to visualize this), I heard an unmistakable “thunk.”  I knew immediately what had happened.  My cell phone had taken a disastrous dive.

Without hesitation, I stuck my newly manicured hand in that feculent waste water and pulled out my iPhone.

I don't really like this nail color, but it's OK for putting my hand in toilet water

I don’t really like this nail color, but it’s OK for putting my hand in toilet water

Seriously – my phone ended up face down (face-up would’ve been better) on toilet-papered excrement.  If I could’ve taken a picture, I would  have because it truly was a miracle!  But how does one take a picture of one’s cell phone floating protectedly on a turd?

After disgustingly retrieving my contaminated cell phone out of the commode, I quickly dried it off with a ton of paper towels and also stuck it in the hand air blow dryer numerous times.  Then I Purelled the hell out of it.  When I got home, I soaked my iPhone case in a bleach/soap combination for 2 hours. I’m still scrubbing my hands.  I cleaned the floors today and let my hands soak a couple extra minutes in Mr. Clean.  I know it’s gross, but……thank God my phone landed on that solid mass.  

Anyway – back to last night – I was really worried about my phone because the battery was almost dead when it took the dramatic plunge into the toilet.  So – I couldn’t tell if my battery was just dead or if the whole phone died a toxic fecal death.  As I listened to Rainn’s interesting speech, I lodged my befouled phone between my legs (again – please try not to visualize this) to warm up the phone and dry out whatever latrine water still remained in there.  It really put a damper on the whole Rainn Wilson experience.

As soon as I got home, I plugged in my heavily disinfected turd phone into an outlet and prayed that it would revive itself.  Lo and behold, it immediately showed signs of life!  My poo-phone had survived!

I am just so relieved that my expensive phone is OK.  I have used it numerous times today and it is functioning perfectly!  It’s a bit stinky, but that’s alright…………just kidding…..it’s not stinky but every time I dial a phone number, bubbles escape from the bottom…….haha.

So……I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving with my iPhone rescue topping the list.  Happy Turd-giving to all of you!

I’m Disturbed

OK……so maybe  my title isn’t quite grammatically correct.  Let me clarify…..I am feeling disturbed.  Kevin and I watched a documentary on TV the other night and the contents of that movie are still really bothering me.  The movie is old – like from 2009.  The name of it is The Wild and Wonderful White Family of West Virginia and is a follow up to another documentary that followed cult outlaw, Jesco White and his mountain dancing.  The title of the documentary is very misleading.  They got the “wild” part right, but the White family is far from “wonderful.”  The Wild and Wonderful of the title actually come from West Virginia’s state slogan “Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.”

So – this documentary was filmed over the course of a year and follows the White family who are basically the lowest common denominator of human life.  Granted these people are born into the coal mines of West Virginia which results in a hard life coupled with poverty.  The documentary follows the Whites (mother, sisters, brothers, cousins) through their criminal activity, hard core drug use, even harder core drinking, degrading language/cussing, sexual exploits and other horrendous behavior all exhibited in front of their young children who also follow suit.   Here is a video from the producers who explain the documentary about this poverty stricken, drug toting, pill taking family. 

In the above video, you see a baby being laid in her incubator.  In the movie, right after the baby is laid  in the incubator, the mother, Kirk White, goes over to the side table in the hospital room where her friend has cut a couple lines of either cocaine or crushed up Xanax…….not sure which, and snorts a thick line of the stuff.  She then staggers to the bathroom and says something unintelligible.   Kirk has recently been released from jail for prescription fraud (go figure).  Fortunately, her newborn was taken away from her and turned over to social services.   

The above video clip gives you a glimpse into the movie.  After watching 90 minutes of such extreme callousness, partying, lewd and crude behavior, I just find it hard to be sympathetic to the White family.  I understand that the cycle is difficult to break.  I do not agree with the director of the video.  I do not view the Whites as a fascinating wonderful family.  Every single one of them is on social security, welfare, and any other  assistance program offered.  They are smart enough to work the government system. We taxpayers are supporting their drug use and criminal activity (jail).  Am I wrong for greatly disliking this family?  Or should I feel sorry for their plight? I mean…..judging from the short clip you saw, how do you feel?

Do I recommend that you watch this documentary?  I don’t know.  As much as I despise the family, the movie has stuck with me and haunted me.  I literally couldn’t sleep after watching it.  Just be prepared that it is raw footage and your heart will break for those little children who have already showed signs of following in their elders’ footsteps.

Hank Williams III hangs with the White family and provides much of the music (it is crass, too) that Jesco mountain dances to.  Jesco’s got talent despite the tremendous loss of brain cells.  See the clip below:

See what I mean?  The guy’s got great foot work!

At the end of the documentary, the Whites are at a local park boozing and drugging it up.  Their language is  foul and involves talking about each other’s body parts and every other word is a cuss word.  Mamie is stoned out of her mind.  Everyone is doing drugs or drinking. The camera then follows an innocent looking blonde haired 4 year old daughter of one of the adults.  She goes up to the jungle gym on the playground where there is a horn like tube resembling a megaphone.  She puts her mouth up to the tube and shouts, ‘Fuck You.”  The camera then pans to a girl around 10 years of age spinning on the merry-go-round.  She is smoking  a joint.

I don’t know………..this documentary just really bothered me.  To see this horrendous behavior in action and watch it perpetuate with the next generation is upsetting.  If you end up watching this documentary (it is probably online……….we watched it on The Movie Channel Extra on TV), reply to this post and let us all know your take on it.

I’m just thankful I wasn’t born a coal miners daughter. But if I was, my name would be Jule Bob and I sure as hell wouldn’t be worried about my teeth!

Surgery and Beyond

First of all……I am exhausted from being with Hazel and Leah in Boston for Hazel’s endoscopy and g-tube removal and then flying back and forth to Salt Lake City to be with the girls as Hazel recovered.

Pre-op

Pre-op at Children’s Hospital Boston

Which is exactly why I marked family sick days on my work time card instead of vacation……..believe me – being with a surgery -recovering 2 year- old is NO vacation!  I seriously don’t know how Leah works a full time job while being a single mother!  That being said, I loved every minute of being with Hazel and it was so hard to say goodbye and return home.  I would love to retire and move to SLC to help with Hazel, but I think Leah and I would probably kill each other.  Life is never perfect, is it?

Well…..of course I can’t post about Hazel and not include numerous pictures, so here is another one.  And you better be saying something like “Oh my gosh……she is just absolutely adorable!”

She loves her papa

She loves her papa

Hazel’s surgeries went well…..for those of you who are interested, Leah will put an update on Caringbridge.

Now – to more important stuff……the Divine Miss H did not dress up for Halloween since Leah had to work and couldn’t take her trick-or-treating (Kevin and I were no longer there).  But – she did don this “outfit” the other day while lounging at her house.  I’m thinking that she will probably do this costume 18 years from now at a local bar……kickin’ boots, huh?

Kickin' boots

All gut, no butt…..typical native Alaskan

Anyway – it was a tiring week with Hazel’s surgery at Boston Children’s and traveling back and forth to Salt Lake City.  Of course, while we were gone, our dogs threw up numerous times on the few pieces of carpeting that we have in the house, so our dog sitters had to deal with that.  Most of my house is hard wood flooring…..why can’t the dogs puke on that?  Why do they have to find the few morsels of carpeting to hurl on?

They're cute until they puke

They’re cute until they puke

So – while our dogs were barking and barfing at home, Kevin and I were enjoying our time with Hazel in SLC while Leah worked.  One day we went to the library because Hazel refused to nap and we were hoping that the librarian would take pity on us and read to Hazel while Kev and I curled up on a nearby couch to rest.  However, the librarian totally ignored us while Hazel:

  • pulled numerous books and DVDs off the shelves,
  • aggressively seated her teddy bear on the step stool while shoving a book under his limp arm and pushing his head down toward the book (teddy might be farsighted),
  • ripped the cover off the Cars comic book that caught her attention when she passed the comic book section
  • squealed in delight while pushing the handicapped door button over and over again
Holy terror in the library

Holy terror in the library

………don’t librarians take some kind of oath to corral wayward children and entertain them??  I’m pretty sure they can’t graduate from librarian school without signing a vow like that, but I could be wrong.

Remember your vows!

Wait…..didn’t you take a vow?

It didn’t take us long to realize that we might be forever banned from the Calvin S. Smith Library for bringing a napless child to that venue, so we quickly made our exit before the librarian confiscated Hazel’s/Leah’s library card.  Obviously we were not well-behaved Mormons that these Salt Lake City libraries are used to.

On our way out of the library, we saw an older woman walking hurriedly and with great purpose toward the library.  I mean this woman put a whole new spin on the term “booking it” which was totally amusing considering that she was going to the library.  She was all hunched over and her arms and legs were pumping…..book in hand!  I couldn’t get a picture fast enough, but she looked something like this (without the bags but clutching a book):

speed walking

similar but with more purpose

The woman that we saw  might have had a book just about overdue, thus the rush, but….seriously….she was speed walking like I’ve never seen. And she was pretty harsh looking.  All of these factors combined prompted Kevin to say, “…….and that is exactly why I don’t read!”

Now, you would think that we would have called it a day after the library fiasco.  But – being gluttons for punishment, we went to the only other place you could go for further torment…..Walmart!  We had promised Leah a vacuum cleaner for her birthday because, well…….we are good parents and isn’t that what every good parent gets for their grown up child??  And what other place to buy a quality vacuum cleaner than Walmart, right?  Sure – we could’ve upgraded and gone to the Kmart across the street, but we didn’t want to take the time to cross 4 lanes of traffic.  It is just more ecologically-sound and sustainable to make right hand turns……..less fuel burning that way (UPS subscribes to that theory, you know).  So – we made the right-hand turn into Walmart, tried to put Hazel in a cart, bought a bunch of candy to bribe her to sit in the cart, and ended up carrying her to the vacuum cleaner section while she ate a bunch of candy. (wow…..I just realized that we are super good grandparents!)

So……after perusing all 5 choices of high-caliber vacuum cleaners, I decided that I wanted to buy the lighter weight Eureka vacuum cleaner that was more expensive than the middle of the road heavier one.  Unfortunately, there were none on the shelf.  It was a rollback price, so…understandably, everyone in Salt Lake City flocked to this particular Walmart to buy this particular vacuum cleaner. They, too, probably didn’t want to make the left hand turn into Kmart.  Luckily, Kevin found a friendly Walmart worker to help us out.  This was the conversation:

Kevin:  Do you have any more of these Eureka lightweight vacuum cleaners?

Walmart worker: (looking at the empty spot on the shelf);  Nope

Kevin:  Well,  I realize there are none here on the shelf, but what about in stock in the back?

Walmart worker:  Nope……would be out here if we had it

So much for……”Welcome to Walmart”

Super helpful

Super helpful

We left Walmart with a sugar-hyped napless child, vacuum cleaner-less, and extremely tired.  And it was only 4 PM!  Dear God……..when does Leah get home from work??!  We need a nap!

Despite my exhaustion, I have scheduled another trip to SLC 3 weeks from now.  I miss Hazel (and Leah).  These are such important and adorable years as Hazel grows and learns and I hate to miss out on that.  Hazel might be scheduled for more surgery to have her tonsils and  adenoids removed while I am there, plus get tubes in her ears.  So- I can help out while she recovers.  We will NOT be going to the library or Walmart.  And we WILL be taking naps!

Teddy and Hazel getting ready for a nap

Teddy and Hazel getting ready for a nap