My Oral Odyssey Is Leading to Teenage Angst

I’m sorry, but  I need to post this information because it will be the cornerstone of my life for the next 2 years.  This is my oral odyssey and resulting side effects that I have hinted about in previous posts.

Although I am not British, I think my teeth are.  I’m beginning to suspect that my mom must have had an affair with an English gentleman that resulted in my birth and bad teeth?  Cheerio and let’s have a cuppa!

I think this is my real dad

If I’m not part-British, then this is what I do know……..I was a tetracycline child.  Tetracycline was the go -to antibiotic when I was young.  Many of my colds were treated with tetracycline even though my ailment might have been viral and not bacterial.  Little did doctors and dentists know back then that constant tetracycline use discolored teeth and deteriorated the enamel. I have paid (dentally and financially) for that antibiotic ever since.

Without going into my extremely boring dental history…..the long and short of it is that I need a mouthful  of expensive and complicated work done.   I have 2 professionals – a prosthodontist and an orthodontist working together on my case.  These 2 docs have devised a very extensive (read expensive) plan to get my bite back on track, create space in my mouth and crown a bunch of teeth.   I’ve given orders to my docs that I want to look like this:

OK……I realize I have a long way to go

I have blonde hair, 2 eyes and a nose………so it could happen, right?  Guess I better bring a cosmetic surgeon onboard.

Obviously I’ve got some years on Carrie, but I have a plan.  I am counting on being awarded “Nicest Smile” when I end up in a nursing home.  And I’m gonna flash that dazzling smile at the cute orderly and suggest that he give me a lovely back rub!  Yeah, baby – I’m getting the most out of all of this dental work!

Oh dear God….this woman actually looks like me

Before I can get that brilliant smile, I need to go through the orthodontic part.  I finally got my Invisalign “braces” the other day.  They are basically clear thin plastic trays that fit snuggly over my top and lower teeth.  Different pressure points on the trays and on my teeth will move my teeth.  This is what they look like.

She doesn’t even need invisalign! Her teeth are perfect!

Although the invisalign trays are not as obtrusive as individual braces, I am reliving my teenage years when I really did have braces – the metal kind that were totally noticeable.  The fact of the matter is……I do basically have braces again.  My teeth are killing me!  My tongue is sore from the appliances.  Isn’t it time for more Tylenol, please?

I’m pretty sure that my face is gonna breakout any minute now.  I feel the urgent need to get myself some Clearasil , a box of maxi pads and maybe a training bra………should probably pick up some Midol while I’m at it.  I’ve found myself daydreaming about someone asking me to the homecoming dance!!  This is who I hope asks me.

My homecoming honey!

And I might need to quit my job so I can hang out at the mall more.  I’ve found myself saying stuff like, “wow…..like, really?  did that….like….really happen?   Oh my Gaaad”  My inner Valley Girl is taking over.  My hormones are just all over the place and all I want to do is talk to my bff on the phone.

On one hand…….I love my curfew of being in bed by 10 PM because I can’t stay awake much longer than that.  I really look forward to brushing and flossing my teeth after every meal.  It’s cathartic to take out the trash.  On the other hand…….I find myself putting mostly clean clothes in the hamper instead of folding them and putting them away. And I leave dishes in the sink for someone else (Kevin) to clean.   Egads!  I’m caught between teenager and middle-ager; millenial and centennial; hell-bent and helicoptering.

So, like….talk to the hand……..it’s 10 PM and time for some Tylenol and bed!

‘night mom and dad