Mouthguards and Home Invasions

The other night I realized that my husband was locking our bedroom door once we all (him, me and the dogs) got upstairs to bed .  I’m the toothbrush fixer, so I usually head to the master bathroom 5 minutes or so before my husband and the dogs.  The dogs always have to have their “nightcap” out of our toilet, so it gets a little crowded with the 4 of us in there at once (Kevin and I drink from the sink).  So, yeah……I get up there early and put the toothpaste on our toothbrushes and lift the toilet seat for the dogs.  It’s a rough job, but somebody’s gotta do it.  I need extra time with my toothbrush, though, because I have to brush 2 sets of teeth……..the ones in my mouth and then my night guard.  My dentist has determined that……after I have spent a fortune on root canals, a hodgepodge of crowns, and an implant or 2, that I grind my teeth and that wearing a night guard while I sleep would help prevent further damage.  I look like a big dork (with and without my night guard)…. Plus – the night guard really hasn’t helped so I am going to be embarking on a major dental fix up plan very shortly (Joe Jez…..where are you?).  You’ll be reading about my Oral Odyssey a lot once I start THAT whole process.

Anyway – as I prepared myself to high jump into our bed (which is about 5 feet off the ground because we bought this expensive mattress that is 4 feet of foam and isn’t worth shit), I saw that Kevin was locking the bedroom door (totally unnecessary at this point in our lives, if you catch my drift).  This is the conversation that followed:

Me with my night guard in:  digyujtilcktebejromdjor?

Kevin:  What the hell did you just say?

Me with my night guard removed:  did you just lock the bedroom door?

Kevin:  Yeah….I’ve been doing that so that I have time to react in case there’s a home invasion.

(these law enforcement guys…….they’re always thinking!)

Me:  Honey, that is totally unnecessary.  If an invader came into our bedroom, I would scare him to death just shouting at him with my night guard in my mouth….. not to mention if he actually got a look at me.

We both thought about that scenario for a few seconds and then imagined it out loud together……it was pretty hysterical envisioning me jumping out of bed wearing my mismatched pajamas, my hair flying in every direction, while “night -guard screaming” at the home invader.  We imagined something along these lines:

Me leaping wildly off the 5 foot bed and already having that height advantage while yelling:  get tha thuck outta here, you cweep…who ya think you are? comick ick my houth. im goy puth you down tha thairs, you thucka!

We don’t lock our bedroom door anymore.

Here’s a picture of me and my daughter with our night guards in.  We sent this to our “boyfriends” when we were out visiting my other daughter and grandchild and we figured our significant others were probably missing us.

Lookin' sexy and desirable wearing our night guards.

Lookin’ sexy and desirable wearing our night guards.


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