So……..I am out here in Salt Lake City,Utah enjoying my time with daughter, Leah and granddaughter, Hazel! Actually….there’s not enough wine in the state of Utah to get me through these 4 days that I’ve been here. Let me just say that, Utah is primarily concerned with having enough sister wives for their men and not stocking up on wine in their liquor stores for me, so I’m at a disadvantage in this state. And I’m gonna be honest here…..I’ve encouraged Leah to investigate the possibility of becoming a sister wife cuz it sounds like a pretty good gig to me. But…..Leah has ignored my sage advice and continues to work as a NICU nurse at Primary Children’s Hospital. She’s worked two 12-hour night shifts since I’ve been here, so when Leah is getting home at 8 AM, Hazel is just waking up. And guess what! I am on Hazel duty! I love Hazel to death, but she is the definition of a whirling dervish. She still is not talking so we do a lot of sign language……and quite frankly – when I am hungover, I get “thank you” and “your welcome” in sign language totally mixed up, and then Hazel looks at me like I am the biggest asshole in the world. Give me a break, kid…..I just learned sign language, like 6 months ago. How about you make an effort here and start speaking the English language!
I wish I could post a picture of Hazel here cuz I have a ton, but I’m not on my computer so I don’t have access to all of the adorable photos I’ve taken (of Hazel, not me…..although I can be pretty adorable).
So, yeah…..it’s been fun being here. We’ve frolicked in the yard (playing “dodge the dog poop”), found a dead bird by the tree line, and talked with the shirtless 50-something- year old neighbor who has half his teeth. All in all, a pretty swell time! Oh…..and Leah’s crazy ass dog lunged at me and tried to bite my hand off when someone came to the door and I tried to crate him (the dog….. not the person at the door), because the dog will literally rip the leg off a stranger. I’m serious – Leah’s dog is a nut job. He is so protective and he does not tolerate strangers. This canine is absolutely demented. He’s either thinking, “should I kill this person, or lay adoringly on his/her lap?” He is a typical terrier (Wheaton Terrier…..cute as can be, but a total lunatic), and very territorial. Damn…..I wish I could insert a pic here cuz I have a cute one of Hazel and Crosby (the demented dog) kissing one another. They kiss all of the time (but…I’m pretty sure Crosby only kisses Hazel in order to lick her boogers). I’m just gonna do a post of all of these pics tomorrow when I get home and have access to my photo library and you can just toggle back and forth between this post and the pics and figure out where the pics go in correlation with my comments……..nothing like putting the onus on the reader to do all of the work (some of you might need to google “onus” cuz you won’t know what the hell that word means…..you’re probably confusing “onus” with “anus” right now).
Sooooo, moving along…….we three girls fly back to Hershey tomorrow (Crosby is staying with some unsuspecting friend of Leah’s who has no idea what a mental case this dog is) and then we go to our vacation club in the Dominican Republic for a week. We will be pampered there and will have a private villa with a swimming pool, have our own chef to cook us breakfast every morning, have our bar stocked with all of our favorite alcoholic beverages (yes!), go to exclusive private beaches while tooling around in our golf cart, and pretty much just livin’ the life! We are so excited. Good thing sign language is universal cuz Hazel is gonna need to sign to the chef that she needs soy cheese in her huevos. And if the chef doesn’t know sign language, he might sign back “bite me.” And all will be good with the world because we are on vacation!
OK….gotta wrap this up since I have to be up early with the sign language queen. Then we have to get ready to catch our flight to BWI. God….I hope Delta serves wine.